I’m picking a “side” team.
Let me explain. I’ve been pretty intrigued by a move my friend Sarah is making.
Sarah, fed up with big city living, the general American rat race, and probably just the rats in this town, has decided to move abroad. And to make her pick, she went on a five city “speed dating” tour of some “hot” euro shitholes famous spots, like Paris and Amsterdam.
I thought it was a neat thing to do. But not because I want to ditch the States or my Rams — anyone who reads this newsletter knows the only way that would happen is if my guy Sean McVay asked me to move to Ireland with him so he could coach the NFL’s Belfast expansion team in 2033.
But I’ve always liked having a “side” team. (Similar to how I’ve always joked the best thing about having a “main” team or spouse is to have the “Sopranos”-style side piece, I assume.)
And since I’m still mentally recovering from that ultimate Rams trick job in Philly last week — two blocked FGs in the final quarter?!?! — I’ve suddenly got a wandering eye. Plus we’re nearly a quarter of the way through the season… it’s time for me to select an official “side” team for 2025.
Some ground rules for the side team:
you can never cheer harder for them than your main squad, that’s a given
you can never say “we” or “our” when discussing the team
you can never buy or wear their merch
you never lose sleep or get upset for more than 30 minutes if they lose a big game
Remember, this is the side team. It’s supposed to be a fling. Something fleeting, ideally young, and SEXY. Don’t get too attached.
So, here are the three teams I’m deciding between this weekend, starting with the leading contender:
LA Chargers
Pros: Location, good nut job coach, a very good starfucker QB, ageless wonder Keenan Allen (I’ll give Cal some fuckin’ credit), AFC, non-bandwagon because there are only like 12 Chargers fans, Matt “Money” Smith on the radio call, would be funny if they finally won it all after moving from SD to LA
Cons: It will be mildly annoying as a McVay slurper to have Jim Harbaugh usurp him as the big dog in town, the jerseys are kinda feminine
Sexy Factor: 9
Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Pros: Baker Mayfield being clutch and talking shit, a cool rookie receiver with a tricky name, that cannon going off after TDs
Cons: NFC, Bucs already won a title fairly recently
Sexy Factor: 6.5
Indianapolis Colts
Pros: Daniel Jones has a cool “Sam Darnold 2024” vibe going, sneaky fun team with Tyler Warren and a healthy Jonathan Taylor, I like how the stadium looks huge on TV, AFC
Cons: If they beat my Rams this weekend, I can’t pick them. Probably
Sexy Factor: 6
I’ll make my grand selection next week.
As for this weekend, I need to fight like hell from having the Snack of the Week:
I’m at about a +17,000 calorie surplus since “discovering” these Utzies two weeks ago.
And thanks for bearing with me, I’m putting this together on my iPhone due to unforeseen circumstances. I’m feeling good about these picks though… here’s the SEXY 6:
LA Chargers (-5.5) at NY Giants
It would be cool if Jaxson Dart is good, I guess, just because it would be fun to use the 🎯 and puns. But I think the Chargers win by 10+ on Sunday.
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (+3.5) vs. Philadelphia Eagles
What do you think Bake-O’s MVP odds will be on Monday if the Bucs win this one? Didn’t we grab it at +2500…
Tennessee Titans (+7.5) at Houston Texans
They’re both winless.
LA Rams (-3.5) vs. Indianapolis Colts
Las Vegas Raiders (-1.5) vs. Chicago Bears
Can I see it for more than one week from Caleb Williams? I’m still out until further notice, kinda like with the next team I’m picking against…
Cincinnati Bengals (+7.5) at Denver Broncos
Good luck this weekend. Check out AtN Sports Consulting on Instagram if you’re feeling frisky.
Last Week: 3-3
2025 Season: 9-9
Hah! Thanks for the shout out :)